Things Yacht Crew Wish Guests Knew
With Courtesy of Erica Lay & The Mallorca Bulletin. #25/1043.
Erica Lay owner of EL CREW International Yacht Crew Agency http://www.elcrewco.com/ erica@elcrewco.com
Things Yacht Crew Wish Guests Knew
By Erica Lay
We love our guests. We really do. Without them, we’d just be a bunch of uniformed adults floating around with no one to iron napkins for. But every now and then, there are moments that make even the most seasoned crew member want to dive straight off the stern and swim for shore.
So, in the spirit of gentle education (and saving future charters from passive-aggressively folded towel animals on the aft deck), here are a few things yacht crew secretly, and sometimes desperately, wish guests knew:
“The yacht doesn’t run on fairy dust.”
Yes, it’s magic. You wake up and your bed is made, your laundry is done, and a fresh fruit platter has appeared by the jacuzzi. But behind every seamless moment is a team of over-caffeinated, under-slept humans making it happen.
“We love creating the illusion of effortless luxury,” says a chief stew. “But it’s not effortless. We’ve just mastered the art of looking calm while sprinting between decks with a lint roller and a label maker.”
“3am is not a reasonable time to ring the service bell for a different pillow.”
We’re all for great sleep. But if your pillow is the wrong density, please let us know during daylight hours.
“One guest rang the bell at 2:47am to say his pillow was too ‘flat’,” reports one stewardess. “I took it away, plumped it, put a fresh pillowcase on it in the laundry room, and told him it was a brand new one. He slept like a baby.”
“Don’t treat the crew like invisible butlers.”
We know how to be discreet. But that doesn’t mean we’re robots.
“I had a guest talk about me like I wasn’t standing there,” says a deckhand. “‘The tall lad can fetch it.’ Mate, I have a name. And a black belt in passive-aggressive silver polishing.”
“No, you cannot take the jet ski out after 10 Negronis.”
This should go without saying, but here we are.
“I’ve had guests beg to go wakeboarding at midnight after an entire bottle of tequila,” says one bosun. “It’s a hard no. If you’re not sober enough to find your flip-flops, you’re not going anywhere near the water.”
“Tip like you mean it.”
“When you spend €300,000 on a charter and leave €500 for 12 crew members, we will notice,” says one chef. “We won’t say anything, but your latte art might be of something obscene in the morning.”
“Please just read the itinerary.”
It took weeks to plan that perfectly balanced route you fully signed off on. So when you decide over breakfast that you’d rather pop to Corsica… it’s a challenge.
“It’s like planning a wedding and then being told the bride fancies a ski trip instead,” says a purser.
“We see (and hear) everything.”
Yachts aren’t soundproof. We hear the fights. We hear the reunions. We hear the karaoke.
“We once had a guest sing My Heart Will Go On to his reflection for forty-five minutes in the main salon,” says a deckhand. “In the nude.”
“Shoes. Off. Please.”
There’s a reason we ask. Teak is precious.
“We just spent the whole winter in the yard laying a new deck. It cost more than your Louboutins.”
“If you like something, say so.”
You enjoyed the lunch? Loved the wine pairing? Tell us! It means the world.
“One guest thanked me for remembering she liked mint in her lemonade,” says a junior stew. “I nearly cried.”
“We’re here to make your trip amazing—not to be your emotional support humans.”
We’ll absolutely go the extra mile. But please don’t unpack your midlife crisis onto the bosun.
“One guy told me his entire life story, then asked if I thought he should divorce his wife,” says a stew. “I was just there to collect his socks.”
So, dear guests: we love your energy, your taste in rosé, and your quirky requests (mostly). Just remember that behind every freshly baked croissant and perfectly shaken martini is a crew member who’s working hard to make your dreams come true—without losing their sanity in the process.
Be kind. Be respectful. And for the love of Neptune, don’t ask for sushi at 4am… unless you want your next meal garnished with thinly sliced resentment.