Hub - THE MICROGREEN MENACE

The Microgreen Menace: A Tragicomic Tale of High Seas Horticulture

By Chef Tom Voigt

July 2024: Somewhere in the Mediterranean Sea – The yacht Verdant Dreams has been found adrift, its crew tragically overwhelmed by an unexpected and deadly green invasion. The culprit? An obsession with microgreens and microherbs that spiraled out of control, turning a once-luxurious vessel into a floating greenhouse of doom.

It all began innocently enough, with the ship’s chef, Marco “Herbivore” Haverford, indulging in the latest culinary trend: microgreens. These delicate, flavorful sprouts became his passion, then his obsession, and finally, his undoing. Haverford’s compulsive need to garnish every dish with a sprinkling of these tiny greens soon escalated into a full-blown addiction, leading to the tragic events that have now become the stuff of nautical legend.

Witnesses report that the once-sparkling yacht was found completely overrun with a jungle of microgreens and microherbs, their delicate tendrils creeping into every nook and cranny. The crew, it appears, fell victim to the chef’s unrelenting quest for culinary perfection. The microgreens, normally harmless, turned deadly as they grew uncontrollably, enveloping the ship and suffocating the unsuspecting crew members in their sleep.

In a particularly poignant twist, Captain Gregory “Salty” Salazar—rumored to have been in a romantic relationship with Chef Haverford—was discovered in the chef’s shower, entangled in a fatal embrace of microherbs. The bathroom, like the rest of the yacht, had become an impenetrable thicket of verdant horror.

The Mediterranean Incident Commission (MIC) is now investigating this unprecedented case, prompting the Maritime Culinary Association (MCA) to impose an immediate ban on microgreens aboard all seafaring vessels. This new regulation aims to prevent any further incidents of this nature, with the cultivation and use of microgreens strictly prohibited.

Meanwhile, renowned yacht chef and social media influencer Ronny Davies has been temporarily detained for his role in promoting microgreens. Authorities found his quarters on another yacht filled with microgreen seeds and sprouts—even grotesquely sprouting from his face. Davies is currently held at a biological research facility under suspicion of being the carrier of this microgreen mania.

As the fallout continues, 2025 will see the introduction of stringent laws controlling the import and cultivation of microgreens on luxury yachts. Discussions are already underway regarding rehabilitation programs for those afflicted by this bizarre addiction. Some propose severe measures—including capital punishment—for extreme cases.

Ronny Davies, now infamous for his microgreen fixation, faces trial at the Supreme Court. Should he be convicted, he may meet a fate befitting his green obsession: burned at the stake on a pyre of microgreens in his hometown’s marketplace.

Thus, let this be a cautionary tale to all: what begins as a harmless garnish can, in excessive amounts, lead to the most unexpected and tragic of ends.