Day In The Life
Day in the Life: Diary of a Superyacht Nanny
By Erica Lay
#26/0305. With Courtesy of Erica Lay & The Mallorca Bulletin. Erica Lay is owner of EL CREW International Yacht Crew Agency http://www.elcrewco.com/ erica@elcrewco.com
06:30 – The Human Alarm Clock
Awake to find a small child standing beside my bed staring directly at me. Not crying. Not speaking. Just silently watching. It’s somehow more unsettling than any emergency alarm I’ve ever heard.
“Are you awake?” they ask. I wasn’t. I am now.
07:30 – Breakfast Negotiations
One child wants pancakes. One wants cereal. One wanted pancakes until the pancakes arrived and now wants cereal instead. Chef produces breakfast spread fit for royalty. Somebody asks for toast cut into dinosaur shapes. Chef gives me loaded look. I visibly wither.
09:00 – Operation Holiday Magic
Today’s itinerary includes treasure hunts, paddleboarding, beach games, arts and crafts and a private movie night under the stars. The children would like to play with a cardboard box. The cardboard box wins by unanimous decision.
10:30 – Sunscreen Wars
Apply sunscreen. Reapply sunscreen after an unauthorised swim. Apply sunscreen again after somebody uses the swim platform as a waterslide. By lunchtime I’ve personally handled enough SPF 50 to protect a small nation. Avoid the death stares from stews cleaning small sunscreen handprints off every single surface on board.
11:45 – Toy Story
The yacht is carrying enough toys to open a small amusement park. SeaBobs. Paddleboards. Kayaks. Towables. Inflatables.The children’s favourite activity today involves throwing pebbles into a bucket and naming them after Disney characters.
Money truly cannot buy happiness.
13:00 – Lunch & Logic
Chef presents beautiful homemade pasta. One child requests chicken nuggets. Another announces they’re “not hungry.”Three minutes later they’re starving and attempting to steal chips from their sibling. Civilisation begins to unravel.
14:30 – The Missing Item Emergency
Every day has one. Today’s crisis concerns a missing flip-flop.A full-scale search operation is launched involving crew members and two tenders. The flip-flop is eventually discovered on the child’s foot. No apology is forthcoming.
16:00 – Educational Activities
Attempt to teach children about marine life. Conversation quickly derails into whether sharks have birthdays and if dolphins pay taxes. Honestly, I’ve heard worse questions from yacht owners.
17:30 – The Parent Effect
Parents emerge from a relaxing afternoon. The children immediately become polite, charming and suspiciously well behaved. One offers to help tidy up. I briefly consider asking if they’ve been swapped for better models.
19:00 – Dinner Diplomacy
A guest compliments the children on their impeccable manners. I smile warmly while remembering somebody licked jam off a handrail this morning.
20:15 – Cat Herding
Parent asks me if I’m enjoying my “holiday”. I answer by blinking twice at the Stew who interrupts to serve them more wine as I continue my battle of corralling their offspring towards their beds. Spend fifteen minutes wrangling small wriggly dictators into pyjamas.
20:30 – Bedtime Stories
Read one story. Read a second story. Read a third story because apparently the second story “ended too suddenly.”Negotiate hard. Lose. Read a fourth story.
21:30 – Debrief
Children asleep. Cabin finally quiet. Discover enough sand in my shoes, pockets and hair to start my own beach. Review tomorrow’s programme and notice the words “pirate day.”Excellent.
22:00 – Attempt Adulting
Migrate to crew mess. Eat some dinner. Attempt meaningful interaction with other adults after spending fifteen hours with tiny overlords. Discover everyone else is also feeling brain dead and head to bed with sleepy tea.
22:30 – Lights Out
Collapse into bed. Today involved treasure hunts, sunscreen, missing shoes, emergency snack requests, pirate voices and explaining why mermaids probably don’t use jet skis.Tomorrow will be broadly similar.
And despite the chaos, somewhere in the middle of it all, a family has made memories they’ll talk about for years. Which is rather lovely.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have approximately six hours before somebody appears beside my bed and asks if I’m awake.